The following is the opening of a short story I'm writing:
Erin stared at Ruth, eyes narrowed. "There was an earthquake last night?"
Ruth nodded. "Around 9p.m. The news says it was a 4.3 on the Ritcher scale."
Erin searched through her memory, but came up with nothing. What I was doing at that time? she wondered. One thing for sure: she wasn't asleep. She didn't go to bed that early. If for any reason she had fallen asleep, the intense shaking would have woken her up immediately. After all, she wasn't a heavy sleeper. It occurred to her that maybe she had indeed felt earthquake, it just that she didn't remember it. But she decided to discard that hypothesis. She didn't consider herself particularly smart. But when it came to remembering things, specially events of that magnitude, her brain never failed her. Only one possibility was left; she didn't fell the earthquake. But how can that be? She asked herself. The idea couldn't fit into her mind.
"I don't remember feeling any shaking," Erin finally said.
"That's strange," Ruth said, and grabbed a cigarette from her purse, and lit it.
They remained silent for a moment, lost in their thoughts. Erin stared at the neon sign beside her. Ruth was smoking her cigarette, and glancing at the other tables from time to time.
- Does it grab the reader's attention (starting from the first line)?
- Does this opening make you want to keep reading?
Answer
The problem I have - and it is a promising idea, btw, so keep at it - is that the speaking does not feel natural. People don't actually talk like that, except in very staged situations (or Scandanavian crime stories, where it works, oddly)
"What earthquake?" Erin said, staring at Ruth with narrowed eyes.
"9 last night. A 4.3 they said on the news. Not something you can miss" Ruth replied.
What was I doing, thought Erin. Not sleeping - far too early for that. And a 4.3 on the Richter scale is not something I would miss even if I was.
The most relaxed or casual style draws me into people who have a past together that I want to know about, and the sense of being in the middle of a conversation gives it a sense of immediate speed.
As always, this is just some direction that I would prefer to see in it. Feel free ot ignore if it doesn't work for you.
ETA: Think about your first line - that is vitally important. I think that
"What Earthquake?" said Erin
is a more gripping start than
Erin stared at Ruth, eyes narrowed
You are right into the heart of the action from the start - earthquakes are cool as is the possibility that someone might have missed one. Your start sounds like the introduction to a bitch-fight, not an earthquake story.
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