I still have to make some grammar and writing corrections but I would like to know if this dialogue Has this has enough suspense to engage the reader (so that he or she wants to read more)?
“Excuse me, have you seen a girl that looks like this coming here?” he said while showing the picture of the girl.
“Sorry,” the bartender said apologetic, “I’m new, I don’t know many people here,” the bartender replied. “As you can see, there are not many people around,” he continues, “You are the first person I’ve seen for a while.”
He continued cleaning some glasses for some minutes. “Is this person lost?,” he finally asked.
“Not sure, but...Well, I can’t find her.” he replied.
“Maybe you should report to police.” the bartender said.
“No, she is just someone I...someone that I used to be with,” he continues, “We lost contact for a long time. We used to come to this place frequently. We used to drink vodka and eat Mexican chicken here, then we walked in that bridge over there,” he said pointing to a big window.
“Reconciliation with a past lover, uh?” the bartender said.
“Well, actually, I already have a girlfriend,” the young man added.
“Cheating, uh?” the bartender joked.
The young man seemed to ignore the comment.
After an uncomfortable silence, the bartender finally added, “Why don’t you just call her?”
The young man thought for a while,“I did many times, but...each time I call, she doesn’t pick up the phone”, he said while taking another shot, then he continued.
“Well few days ago, she called, she said that she would meet me in that bridge...but she never showed up.”
After finishing that sentence the young looked out of the window, while the bartender kept quite. Suddenly, the silence was broken by the ring of the phone.
Would you suggest any improvements?
Answer
- too much dialogue.
- too much information about what you want the reader to guess (that is, the suspenseful bit).
- not enough information about the characters to care.
The point of suspense is to leave the reader wondering what else is going on? what's going to happen next? This is talky without making us interested. We should get enough information to wonder, but not enough information to figure it out.
It should read more like:
The man came in, looking worried and a bit windblown. He glanced around the bar, wiping the palm of one hand repeatedly on his jacket.
After a long moment, he approached the bartender.
"What can I get you?"
"Nothing, thanks. Listen — you haven't seen this girl, have you?" The man pulled a tattered photograph out of his pocket. She was young, dark-haired, pretty. Wide expressive eyes and a broad, inviting smile. From the clothes and hair, it might have been ten years ago.
"No, sorry. I'm actually kind of new here," the bartender apologized.
"But you haven't seen her? You're sure?" the man persisted.
The bartender gestured to the room. There was one guy at the far end of the bar watching a hockey game on the TV, and two men at a table in the corner having lunch. Other than that, the room was empty. "We don't get a lot of people here. I'd've seen her if she came in."
The man fidgeted. The bartender picked up a glass and began to polish it.
"Is she lost?" the bartender finally asked.
"I don't know," the man admitted. "She won't answer my calls."
"Sounds like she wants you to get lost, buddy," the bartender said, not unkindly.
The man shook his head. "We were supposed to meet here a few days ago and she didn't show. She doesn't answer her door either."
The bartender pointed to the shiny black phone on the bar next to the register. "So call the police."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
The man didn't answer. The bartender went back to polishing glasses while the man stared out the window.
Abruptly the phone rang, shatteringly loud in the quiet bar.
"Worried and a bit windblown": why is he worried? was he running? running from someone?
"wiping his palm": wiping off sweat? nervous?
"tattered photograph, ten years old": He's held on to this for a LONG time. It's a last memento, it's the only link he has to this woman.
"pretty, inviting": she's inviting us from the photograph.
"persisted": the guy REALLY wants to find her.
"fidgeted": nervous. maybe hiding something.
"finally": the bartender has to draw him out. He has to pull the information out of the man. that heightens tension.
"admitted": He didn't want to have to say that he didn't know. he's hoping she's okay, but she might not be.
"she doesn't answer her door": a hint that in fact there IS something bad going on. most people would be willing to let a call go to voicemail, but people rarely flat-out refuse to answer the door if they're home.
"I can't call the police": Now that's very interesting. Why not?
"shatteringly": to emphasize how tense the man is.
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