creative writing - How to shorten meandering dialogue?

My story Cured (which I've asked about before, but has undergone major revisions since then), has an extremely large section of dialogue that annoys my beta tester. I agree with her that it should be shortened, but I'm not sure how.

The purpose of the dialogue is to move from the plot element of the main character Tony breaking up with his girlfriend to the the next plot element where he starts taking a pill to increase his empathy.

That dialogue can be found here. Please note that Jad, is supposed to sound academic and is the main character's room-mate.

How do I shorten this dialogue? General rules for keeping dialogue brief are also helpful.

Here is what I've tried to remember:

1. A dialogue should have two dimensions. What is being said, but also what is implied.


2. That telling a reader about a character is ineffective, that it is best to show their actions without explicitly reasoning about them afterwards.


3. Excessive description will pull a reader out of the dialogue.

Answer

With dialogue, you have to be excruciatingly careful to make sure that nobody says anything that the other person already knows, or already would know from what the speaker just said.

Here's one example. You have two people talking. They are discussing that one of them was apart from his girlfriend for the summer. One of them says, "Now that I'm back..." STOP. The person IS back. Both people in the conversation KNOW he's back. There is absolutely no reason for him to refer to his being back. You think you have to mention it because you think it's an essential part of the logic of what happened between this guy and his girlfriend, but since it's an obvious part of the scene happening between the two people talking, they wouldn't say it to each other. They would both understand that he means "Now that I'm back" when he simply says "Now." And nothing more. Get it? You have to pay very careful attention to what people would REALLY say to each other at any moment given the precise circumstances of the conversation.

Another thing you do that lengthens your dialogue unnecessarily is you use the word "that" frequently. "I found out that she..." "We learned that it was not..." These are not actual examples from your writing, they are just examples. Drop the "that" from these phrases; it is unnecessary and clunky.

As a more general concept, it's essential to keep in mind people do not speak in complete sentences, nor do they use correct grammar, nor do they allow each other to finish sentences. If you want to shorten your dialogue and simultaneously make it sound more real, you have to clip it into tiny pieces. And remember it takes only a few words to get your point across.

Check out this version of a segment of your dialogue:

"She says I'm 'emotionally unresponsive.' What's that?

"You ask her?"

"My heart was shattered! Wait -- you agree with her?!

"Honest answer?

I grab some jujubes to steel myself.

"Sure."

"Maybe she feels you don't connect -- "

"Connect?"

"Emotionally, with others."

"I understand people!"

Just something to give you an idea of how brief and punchy dialogue can be. You can see how fast that moves, and gets the point across better because there are fewer distractions.

A good tip for learning to write good dialogue would be to read a bunch of screenplays of really good movies. That's where good dialogue is at a premium.