Disclaimer: I'm not an Native English Speaker.
This is my fifth attempt of writing a short story (the previous ones are set in the same "universe" as this one).
I would like to know if the reader would feel intrigued by this opening. I also wonder if he would feel that it has a "dark" atmosphere.
This is the first time I describe so many things in a story. So I would also like to know if the descriptions are 'flowing' smoothly. If not, how to improve them?
Julian found himself walking along an empty street, only accompanied by the darkness and the fog. They were like omnipresent observers, carefully watching each of his steps. He didn't know where he was heading. In fact, he didn't even know if he wanted to reach a particular destination. After walking for a while, he spotted a light at the distance. It was a long and white, and looked as if it were suspended in the fog. As he was getting closer, the light started to form a shape. It was a big neon sign that said Little Paradise. Soon he realized that he was standing in front of a glass door. Another neon sign, one with the silhouette of a nude woman, was hanging on it. He stood there for a while, staring at the door. Then, as if he had just made up his mind on something, entered the place.
Inside was dark and empty. The only source of light were a couple of neon signs hanging on the walls. Julian glanced around the place. There was a bar in the front, a few seats in the center, and some others on the sides. Back at the bottom, there was small stage with a stripping pole in the middle of it. Everything looked old and rusty, like old antiques deteriorated by time.
Julian walked towards the bar and sat on one of the stools. He took a package of Marlboro Red from his pocket and lit a cigarette up. Without knowing what else to do, he focused his eyes on the stage, smoking his cigarette and waiting for someone to come.
After staring at it for a while, he realized that there was someone lying on it. He hesitated a little bit, but then crushed his cigarette in an ashtray, and slowly made his way to the stage. Once he reached a reasonable distance, he narrowed his eyes and he examined the person. It was a girl. She was lying still, with her back to the absent audience. She was wearing a black bikini, and the upper part of her body was being covered by a black jacket. He stood there, staring at her as if he were in a trance for a minute or two.
"Hello?" Julian called out after a moment. His voice didn't sound has his own.
A silence passed. The only thing that he could hear was the sound of his own breathing. He never imagined that a drinking spot could be that silent.
"Sorry, there are no more shows," the girl suddenly said, without moving from her lying position.
Answer
In all honesty, it doesn't work for me. To address your particular questions:
Is it dark? Not especially. I get a sense of someone not being sure where they are, but not being in a sinister place. More like having woken up after a drunken night, and trying to remember the last bar.
Does it flow? Not IMO. I am reminded of the old text-based Adventure games "You are in a room. There is an octopus lying on the floor."
Solutions? More words, more description. Taking it slower, adding more potential danger would help both of these. A quick attempt to rework the first sentence, for example:
Julian was in a deserted street. How he had got there, or where 'there' was, eluded him. As he walked, the fog enveloped him, wrapped him, held him. When he escaped from the fog, the darkness took him instead.
Note - these are just my opinions! Others may disagree, but as a rule, slower progress tends to make for more suspense. And I think, with some work, this could work out well.
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