Real Women Don’t Wear Dresses is when writers portray female characters possessing traditional feminine qualities as being less desirable, competent and reliable instead of their tomboy foils. They also tend to be presented as whiny and annoying, even though they have traits or commit actions of worth and merit. This trope is one that I’ve come to view as “problematic” because it implies femininity should be demonized and torn down.
Many writers seem to believe that they need to epitomize a female character’s strength through their ability to beat and to take beatings from men, not their personality. When people write “strong female characters” (God, I hate that term) while ignoring the most fundamental part of what it means to be a woman by not giving them feminine traits and end up creating female characters that behave more like men rather than women. As a male writer, I wish to pen women that are strong in “classical feminine” ways in lieu of making them come across as “men with tits”.
How should I deal with such a dilemma?
Answer
I would suggest looking at the women in your life (family, friends, co-workers, etc).
I have a problem with the ideas of 'feminine qualities' and 'femininity'. They imply that without those a woman isn't a real woman. Much like a man won't be a real man unless he is and can do a set of things. You could perhaps think about the stereotypes for 'manly qualities' and 'masculinity' and draw parallels between those concepts and the reality you know as a man. Just imagine yourself buying a piece of clothing and having the assistant say it's a very nice choice, but won't you consider this other option which is more masculine and would, therefore, suit you better. Yeah. Switch it for 'feminine' and that is what women who prefer a sportive look have to put up with.
To deal with feminine characters that aren't cliché 'femininity', look at real women. I shall give you some examples from real life women:
Woman A: in her fifties. She has always been diplomatic in speech, smiley and eager to help. She can sew wonderfully and loves to make the cutest outfits for her many little nieces and nephews, and now grandchildren. She loves decoration, too. I have not seen her in a skirt or dress in over 20 years. Even for weddings, she'll simply put on nice looking pants. She'll tell you all the many reasons why skirts are uncomfortable.
Woman B: in her thirties. Hates frills, lace and all girly, feminine clothes. Does wear skirts and dresses but prefers simple cuts that fit the body without 'advertising the goods' because, really, why don't you just add arrows to the boobs. No make-up. Practicality, people! She wore high heels to her wedding under duress and got off them the moment the photos were done. Adores her long sleek hair and is always changing the colour, doing it up in ponytails (you won't know how many ways there are of making a simple-looking ponytail until you meet her). She loves cooking and was born to be a mother.
Woman C: 30s. Give her high heels and the most feminine, sexiest clothes, complete with frills, lace, jewelry, make-up, the works. Curses like a field worker and has the grace of an ox. She will 'run you over' if you fail to praise her goddaughter in anyway.
Woman D: 40s. can't stand heels and would live with trainers only; hates pants and shorts, loves skirts and dresses; cannot cook or sew; hates cleaning the house and has no problem receiving friends while having around piles of clothes which will eventually be ironed (probably five minutes before being worn), a pile of dirty plates to be washed 'tonight' (or when she feels like it), and a few dirty clothes on the floor (she's separating them into different colours to make separate loads... only she does the separating throughout the week). She basically lives like the stereotypical frat boy and will clean up for real only when her mother announces a visit.
Woman E: 40s. Blunt in her honesty and even bordering on rude/aggressive, but you know she is the greatest friend ever and will stand by your side no matter what (and I mean the drop everything to drive miles and be there for you kind of friend); loves cars and driving, and can put up all sorts of IKEA furniture without a helping hand (very proud of her handiness); will dress up to go out with a long flowing skirt, otherwise a pair of jeans, comfortable flat (unflattering) shoes and a clean T-shirt are good enough; will not go anywhere without earrings (huge collection).
'Woman' F: 10 year old. Loves princesses, skirts, dresses and glitter. Loves running and roughing it with her cousins (both female and male). Will enjoy 'mock' fighting and won't be bothered by bruises and scratches.
As you can see, all those women have some traits that are typically feminine (some more than others), but they also have traits that are not considered feminine.
My suggestion is that you give your heroine a mix of traits. Some may be feminine, most will be normal. Neither typically feminine nor masculine, just... normal!
Moreover, keep in mind that different cultures have different ideas for 'typical women'. I grew up surrounded by real strong women. They're the ones that rarely raise their voice, but when they do people around will listen. There's a saying that 'a real man doesn't cry not even if he sees his guts in his hands'. Well, there's no saying for women, but I have always seen women act according to it. You may have your loved one dying in your arms, but you will not break down and cry in front of them while you can still do something to help or comfort. Later, you can cry your heart out with your friends and family, but not when 'your guts are in your hands'. You put up with being harassed, shamed, ridiculed and paternalised, but you keep your head high and keep going even if you are breaking apart inside.
I have a woman in my family who lived over 40 years with crippling pain. She only lost her smile and warmth when it got too much, and she still tried to play it down.
From the women around me, I learnt that a woman puts up with a lot of shit and pain (motherhood, especially) and will talk about it and vent, but will not self-pity, ever! Crying your heart out and venting is not self-pitying, by the way, though some men may think it is. You have to let your pain out some way in order to pick yourself up and keep going. Self-pitying is whining over and over about the same thing and never do anything to try and overcome it.
A strong woman may let someone win an argument because it's not worth her time and energy, but will bulldozer anyone - man and woman - if her family is in the line. And, for that, she will use words, hands, umbrellas and anything else she can get her hands on.
So, forget the clichés for women and look around at the women in your life. Look at those you look up to as strong and capable of making through anything (for me, it would be mostly aunts, grandmothers and great-grandmothers). See how they measure up to the cliché in order to weed out what definitely doesn't make a woman a woman. Lace and frills, for example.
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